No More Strangers: Cortney Teeples

Sisters, our post today is from Cortney Teeples.  Before I turn you over to her capable hands, I want to recap for the sisters that were not in Relief Society last Sunday due to callings, sickness, vacation etc, etc what inspired this post, and the future posts on this topic.

The lesson last Sunday was "No More Strangers".  Sis. Lofgran was teaching and she asked the sisters if they had ever felt like they were on the outside and what did they do?  (paraphrased)  What followed was one of the most beautiful and heartfelt discussions I have heard in Relief Society in a long time.  A few sisters shared in a very vulnerable way (something I truly admire) how they feel on the outside of our Relief Society.  It was sad to hear that they felt that way, but I could empathize for I have felt the same heartache.

Since I received the calling to do this blog I have pondered how I could possibly use it to help us as sisters have more unity.  One of the avenues I considered was doing interviews with the sisters to help us really get to know one another.  Thus, today is the first of what I hope will be many "No More Strangers" posts.  The individual themes of the posts may vary, but the overall topic is the same--to help us see one another's hearts so we can more truly become one.

At the end of the lesson last Sunday, Cortney Teeples made a comment that I really liked.  I asked her if she would write that down for me and invited her to expand on it.  This is her response.  Thanks Cortney!

Mormon Friendship by the More Good Foundation Flickr CC BY-NC 2.0

My Dear Sisters,

I am sitting at my computer wondering how to begin. I am writing this for everyone, and yet I am writing it to each of you individually. Your faces are in my head, your words are in my ears, and your feelings are in my heart.

Our Relief Society lesson on Sunday has revealed a crucial conversation taking place about something which is affecting each of us. As a matter of fact, it is startling how many of us feel alone or left-out in one way or another. I am realizing that while my experiences are similar to many of yours, they are also very different than many. And yet, here we are, all coping in the same difficult reality.

For me, that reality has brought feelings of loneliness, anger, frustration, confusion, discouragement, and self-doubt. The sorrows that the eye can't see. Most people I talk to about this are surprised at first, not expecting to hear this coming from me. But they quickly respond with similar feelings from their own experiences.

Here are a few of the things I have learned through this process:

Being invited is not the same as being included.

Being friendly is not the same as being a friend.

Deep, lasting friendships come over time. And they do come, but not without effort and love.

When I find myself offended, it is almost never intentional.

Regardless of intention, my feelings matter.

And I need to check my assumptions. Assumptions lead to misunderstandings and misunderstandings lead to missed opportunities.

Greatness is common among us. Because we have so many talented, intelligent, service-oriented people, sometimes we might feel that our talents go unnoticed or unappreciated.  I feel that there are always two or three, or ten other women who can do what I do, and probably better. I want to be needed, recognized and appreciated. I realize that this may be my vanity and pride shining through, but it is still very real and still very difficult to overcome. It goes hand-in-hand with the downward spiral of comparison.

Callings, while essential and inspired, sometimes get in the way of social interaction. I have loved my calling and am grateful for it. However, the nature of my role requires very little interaction with other sisters of the ward. It is a reality of the social dynamics among LDS women--friendships are often created while serving together in callings. Those friendships may not stay the same when releases happen. And because a calling can become so much a part of our identity, changes often leave us feeling out of place and unsure in our purpose.

But I have found many opportunities to extend my circle. Friendships form in many different ways. I see the women of our ward daily--at the bus stop, the grocery store, my kid's schools...there are plenty of opportunities to create friendships. Some of my closest friendships and sweetest relationships have come from visiting teaching assignments. But not because it was an assignment--the assignment was only the beginning, and an inspired beginning at that. The real friendships came over time as I served and was served. As we talked. As we prayed for each other, laughed with each other, and cried with each other.

We are all busy with the things that fill our lives out of necessity and responsibility. We need more hours in the day! It is difficult to do all that is asked of us and then reach out and do more. That is why we need each other.

We need each other.

We need each other and Heavenly Father knows that. That is why we are all here together. It is not on accident or by circumstance. It is because he loves us. 

So where do we go from here? What do we do to make things better?

Well, I think each of us must find her own answer to that question. There is not going to be one resolution. There is not going to be one quick fix. I think it is going to come as we each gain perspective and decide what we can do differently. As in everything else it seems, communication is vital. But more than that, it is going to be prayerful, heartfelt choices that make the difference. Each of us, in our own way, can contribute and be a force for good.

I have said a lot, but there is much that I have not said. This topic is deep and so are the emotions stirred by it. I want to help, not add to the hurting. For me, facing these fears has added to my testimony and increased my faith. I hope it can do the same for each of us as we find unity turning our weaknesses into strengths. Being vulnerable is the beginning of being changeable.

Sincerely yours,

Cortney